So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
