Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
