im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was like giving head to a cactus.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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