Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
