hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
