fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
