it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
