I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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