Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
