I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
