I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
