Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
