2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
