You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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