I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
