In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
