i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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