I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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