Kiss
Puke
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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