No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
