I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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