his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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