I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we made out on top of his cat.
false alarm. still invincible.
she pinky promised me she was 18
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
