Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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