Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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