Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
