Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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