Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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