I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
