I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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