Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
