Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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