I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
