I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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