"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
