We need to start having sex underwater more often.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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