tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
