Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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