I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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