dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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