It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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