Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
