Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
