it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
