You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
