after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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