I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him