so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.