The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
