In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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