got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
