those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
