Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
