Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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