You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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