I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
