ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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