Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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