I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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